So I got Kicked Out of School

So I got kicked out of school.

No, that's not a punch line to a bad joke. It is, unfortunately, a real life situation. MY real life situation.

Ok... maybe "kicked out" is not the way to phrase that. Technically I was "removed" from one of my classes, extending my graduation from nursing school an entire year. I made a mistake, did something I didn't know I wasn't aloud to do (which, by the way, I was asked to do by the nurse I was following), and that's all I have to say about it. If you want the details, come ask me, I will be happy to tell you.

For those of you who don't know, I am a senior nursing student (or was) and was supposed to graduate in May. I have been in college for a long and arduous seven years and have worked harder for this degree than anything else in my life. Period. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe the emotions I felt upon hearing the Dean of Nursing announce my fate. Over the past few weeks I have felt lower, angrier, and more confused than I have ever felt before. Nursing is the path the Lord has set me on. I know this with every fiber of my being. He has paved the way for me all throughout nursing school so far, and the favor He has given me has been incredible.

So why is it that my plans are upset the semester before I'm supposed to graduate and fulfill this plan? Is this the enemy trying to hold me back? Is this the Lord telling me to wait?? What is this and why is it happening to me?!

It has been about three weeks and I still don't have the answers. If anybody else has any clue, please feel free to enlighten me.

During this time I have had many heated conversations with the Lord, expressing my anger and frustration in very *ahem* colorful ways. In all of that, the Lord reminded me of the story of Job. In Job, the Lord gave satan permission to literally take everything from Job except his life in order to prove that he was righteous and would not curse His name. So that's exactly what the enemy did. After his sons and daughters were wiped out, after all of his possessions were taken from him, the very first thing Job did was to grieve and fall on the ground to worship the Lord (referencing Job 1:20).

Can you imagine? Your family is dead. Your livelihood is gone. Would your first response be to fall on the ground saying, "blessed be the name of God"? Wow. I can tell you, those were not the first words out of my mouth in my situation.

I don't know if this was the enemy and I don't really believe that it matters. When I read through Job's story, I realized what matters is my response in the face of adversity. Will I run and curse God when what's important to me is taken? Or will I stand my ground and worship the Lord for his perfect timing and ultimately good plans for my life, even though I'm not seeing it right now? Yes, this is hard. But I choose the latter.

I am being put through the fire. I feel the heat and it is not comfortable. Yes, I'm being refined. But also like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were thrown into the fire, I will come out on the other side unscathed and people will know my God because of it. And God is with me through the fire. His presence is tangible.

Is this a painful and hard process? You betcha. But my faith, though tested, will not be torn to pieces. God is my refuge. He is my strength. I will not fear, though the mountains crumble into the sea and though its waters roar and foam... I will not fear. I will not be shaken and I will not be moved.

So when you're being put through the fire and your earth is crumbling around you, what will your response be?

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
--Proverbs 3:5-6

Who am I?

First I would like to say... HURRAY HURRAY HURRAY I FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR OF NURSING SCHOOL HURRAYYYY!!!!! I am SO glad that's over with. Secondly, I initially started a blog with the intention of writing fairly frequently. Clearly this has not gone as I planned. Sorry folks, life always seems to get in the way of stuff. But a plus side is the longer I wait to write about something, the more I have to say. I guess that could be good and bad...

Anyway, something that I have been pondering lately is my identity. Well, I guess I have been pondering that all of my life but lately I have been focusing on the changes in perspective I have experienced. Who Niki thought she was before becoming a Christian and who Niki thinks she is now, after experiencing the Father's love, is so drastically different. Astoundingly different. Polar opposites, even. My worldly view of myself was so... depressing. I thought that if I could just DO enough, then maybe I could BE enough. I operated out of the mindset of "if I do, I will be". If I work really hard, I will be successful and financially stable. If I practice a lot, I will be better at the guitar. Yes, those are absolutely true. When I practice, I AM better at the guitar. When I work really hard, I AM successful (and someday I will hopefully be at least somewhat financially stable... ahem...). But what does that tell me about who I am as Niki? When what I do becomes my definition of myself, I run into problems.

That "do enough to be enough" mindset became so bad that I gave up on a lot of things, one of which being music. All throughout high school I was in band (yes... I was a band nerd). I played the oboe, and I was really good. I worked really hard so I could keep the glory and the solos of the first chair. When I graduated high school, I joined a youth symphony because I thought I wanted to pursue a career as a performer on the oboe. But the symphony was full of prodigies; I wasn't first chair anymore, and as much as I practiced I just couldn't get better than the other guy (who was much younger than me, might I add...). So I quit. I stopped playing guitar, I quit the oboe, and I didn't really sing a whole lot after that. I was so crippled by fear of the idea that I was not doing enough so that I could be enough, that I just quit trying altogether. About a year and a half ago I went to a conference with some folks from New Day. I was listening to a worship pastor speak and it was like he was speaking right at me. He basically said that there will always be someone better than you, but you can't let that stop you. He broke off those ungodly beliefs... the fear of rejection, the fear of man, all of that unwanted baggage, and he called out who we were as worshippers, who God created us to be. When we returned from that conference, I started running hard after my love of music. Within a matter of months, I was playing guitar for our worship team. Not long after that I started leading worship for different church events. I quit thinking of myself as not as good as so and so and began thinking of myself the way God thinks of me. I am His beloved daughter, with whom He is well pleased. I also had to humble myself and work hard at being ok with not being the best (being humbled is not very much fun...).

You see, if all you think you are is wrapped up in what you do (I am a business man, I am a this and a that...), you miss who you REALLY are. I thought of myself as Niki who did this and that and it lead to a fear so great that it kept me from one of my biggest passions. After going through the teachings about the Father's love, I realize that who I am has nothing to do with what I do. I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I am a princess, a co-heir with Christ. I was created to BE a daughter. I was created to BE a worshipper. I realize now that I was thinking about it all wrong for the longest time. I don't DO those things because I want to BE those things... I was created to BE those things, so I DO those things.

The freedom from that is pretty awesome.

I Am Walking Out My Destiny

It’s been about two weeks since my last blog. I’d like to say I just haven’t had the time to sit down and write, but that’s definitely not the truth. I was on spring break last week. You want to know what I did? Absolutely nothing. I was lazy. I wasn’t just lazy… I was the laziest. And I don’t feel even a little bad about it. Well… I feel a little bad about it, but only because it made me get behind on some schoolwork. Oh well…

So what am I going to write about today? Good question. Before I sat down to write, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to write about. He said, “your destiny”.

Ok. My destiny. But what IS my destiny?? Well that’s a loaded question. My answer is simply, “I do not know”. I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means for me lately. I’m about to finish up my first year of nursing school and this annoying question keeps popping up… “Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life?”

Aaaahhhhh!!! Stupid annoying question, why did you have to pop into my brain like that?! I could have finished nursing school, blissfully unaware of any doubts or hesitations, and I would have been just fine! Grrrr.

But since the question is in my noggin, unable to escape, I suppose it’s time for me to find the answer. Can you really ever answer that question though? I dunno, we’re getting too deep here. I have to start with answering why I chose to go to nursing school to begin with. Well… that would be because I realized having a degree in music wasn’t going to pay the bills and my parents said I’d be a good nurse. Also, I like kids. Most of them. So that’s why I moved to Charleston… to become a nurse. But along the way I met someone pretty cool who kinda changed everything. His name is Jesus. He started speaking to me about what my destiny is really going to look like, and, well, I’m pretty excited.

I have made Isaiah 61:1-3 my “life verse” (for the time being). I keep finding myself coming back to it because something about it speaks to me, aside from the fact that it’s just an amazing piece of scripture. Every time I read it, I get super pumped.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor;

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,

and the day of vengeance of our God;

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

I feel like my destiny is partially wrapped up in these verses. Since I have come to know Jesus there are so many things that have been stirred up inside of me.

This is what the Lord has told me about my destiny and my future:

• I will use my experiences and my testimony coming from a broken home and use it to minister to young girls (and old, who knows) who are experiencing what I went through. 

• I will begin to write songs (and blogs, apparently). 

• I have received prophetic words about my song healing the masses (um… is that cool or what?! YES Jesus, I receive that!)

• I will be sent out to different countries to bind up the broken hearted and to set the captives free!

He’s told me many other things, but those are the things that have stood out and have been repeated so far.

So if your thought process is anything like mine, you’re wondering, “where does nursing school fit in to all of that?” Goodness, you guys have great questions for me.  Well… let me answer that question for you. I honestly have NO clue. Zero clue whatsoever. I’m clueless. 100% clueless. Did you guys get that? I have NO IDEA!!! Do you have any idea how CRAZY that makes me?! I keep thinking that I’m spending all this time and money and effort (and money!!) to get myself through nursing school, and I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’M GOING TO USE IT!! Excuse me while I go hyperventilate from the stress of it all.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Every blog I write, I seem to have to ask myself, “Niki, what’s your point?” I’m long-winded guys, I’m sorry about that. But I guess my point is this: God has me on this path for a reason. I got in to nursing school by the grace of God only. I could have not been accepted and gone an entirely different path. So, why nursing school? I straight up do not know. What I do know is that someday, I’d like to be involved in ministry full-time. Maybe that means being a missionary and using my medical degree there. Maybe that means being a worship leader and never using my medical degree. Maybe it means something entirely different that I can’t even wrap my mind around yet.

But I know that none of that really matters right now. My time will come. As long as I have my eyes set on God, I will be on the right path. As long as my eyes are on God, I am following my destiny every step of the way.

I’m sorry again that this was so long winded. This is where I process my thoughts and organize them into something that makes sense. You all are just kind enough to read them, and maybe they might impact you in some way.

I pray that whoever is reading this is having a wonderful week and that the Lord will begin (and continue) speaking to you about your destiny. He meets you where you’re at, even if you’ve taken some wild rabbit trail. He brings you back to where He wants you, always. Our Father is one amazing Daddy!

Bless you guys. 

Holy Matrimony. That's right... Marriage.

Lately what has been on my heart is the idea of marriage. Yes, you heard me. Marriage. No, not the dresses and suits and flying bouquets and garters of a wedding. I’m talking about the part after “I do”. The part where you’re in the middle of acting out those vows you spoke over your now-spouse. “But Niki,” you say. “You’re not married. What do you know about marriage?”

Valid point. Touche, my friends. 

If I can be totally honest, I don’t know a whole lot about what a healthy marriage looks like. My parents divorced when I was really little. I spent my childhood being shuffled from one house to the other. My mother has been married (and divorced) AT LEAST four times. Sob story, sob story... Does any of this sound familiar?

So what is my point? My point is this: I absolutely REFUSE that for myself.

Maybe you’ve heard this before, but marriage is a metaphor for how passionately and furiously Jesus desires us, his bride. He loves his bride. He cherishes his bride. He honors his bride all of her days. He sweeps her off her feet. He romances his bride. If that is how Jesus desires ME, should I expect anything less in my own marriage?

Ever since I became the “appropriate” age for dating, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and heartache over failed (and often times horrendous) relationships. Looking back, I can’t help but want to slap myself for thinking that any of them was ever a good idea. But the Lord has redeemed that area in my life (thank GOD!). Many of those relationships failed because I thought I could fix that person. They failed because I thought in order for them to love me, I needed to give myself over physically to them. Ultimately, they failed because I sought my identity in being loved and approved of by men. It makes me a little sad as I go back and read all that. But mostly I’m filled with joy because I know now what the truth is.

The truth is, I am loved and approved of by Daddy God. Not because of any other reason except I am His beloved daughter. I am Daddy God’s little girl. I find my identity in Christ. Emphasis, emphasis, emphasis!!!!!

So what does this have to do with marriage? Hang on, I'm getting there. 

These "a-HA!" moments came slowly, and I didn't figure it all out on my own. It has come through living in community and surrounding myself with sturdy, fruitful, God-centered marriages. And of course, it has taken me a lot of time and HEALING. Lots and lots of HEALING (emphasis, emphasis, emphasis!!). I'm talking about heart healing. For me, it's been the kind of healing where I let all my terrible experiences as a child resurface and I tackle them head on. My nasty rejection issues, my awful control issues, and all my other issues are being dealt with now before I subject my future spouse to the consequences and reactions of those issues. I'm dealing with them now before I react out of those gaping wounds in a way that will hurt or dishonor my future husband. And I'm not saying that after I get married there won't be any more issues to work through with my husband. But my goal now is to let my heart become as whole as it can be before I become a truly whole person with someone else. 

I was inspired today through an amazing woman of God, whom I love so dearly. She was telling me that, after almost 20 years of marriage, her and her husband have come up against new issues that they are having to work through together. Sounds weird to be inspired by that, I know. But I was inspired because this beautiful couple has such a solid relationship. They have built their marriage on THE Rock. And though the rain is falling, though the floods are coming, though the winds are blowing and beating on that house, their marriage WILL NOT fall. Their house WILL NOT fall. (Referring to Matthew 7:25). 

I was inspired because THAT'S the kind of marriage I want to have. I want to get 10, 15, 20 years in and know that even though new issues are being brought up, my marriage will not fall because it is God-centered. It will not fall because it was built on the solid Rock. 

So that's it. Those are my thoughts on marriage. To sum it all up: my marriage will be solid because I will be healed up, my future husband will be healed up, and it will be built on the Rock. I declare that in Jesus' name!

Being a Woman of God

Lately I have been doing A LOT of thinking about what it means to be a woman of God. And not only what it means, but also what that looks like. I was created in the likeness of God. I was created to be feminine, after the feminine part of our both masculine and feminine God.

Ok great. But what does that mean??

Here's some backstory: I grew up with a very poor example of how a woman should act. Definitely not how a Christian woman should act. Not really even how a non-believer should act. My mother didn't respect herself and didn't value herself. The way she acted (with men, with drugs, with alcohol) made this very apparent. I learned at a very young age that when I was with my mother, I was not safe. I was not protected. I grew up rejecting my femininity because I had to protect myself. I had no time for girly stuff. I had to be strong for my sisters when the nights were bad. At least, in my mind this was what I thought. I grew up thinking I could only depend on myself to protect my heart. When I was 16, my mother essentially told me that it was important that I slept with men, otherwise they wouldn't love me. But that is a completely different story. Needless to say, I grew up with a pretty skewed vision of what being a woman meant. Because of this, I made a lot of very poor choices and built this very sturdy and impenetrable wall around my heart. I didn't want to feel feelings. I didn't want to be emotional. The only emotion I ever allowed myself to feel for a very long time was anger. Rage. Resentment. Again, I rejected my femininity. I saw being feminine as being weak. Feelings were weak. Emotions were weak. I was strong. I was independent.

I was isolated.

It has taken me a very long time (and a lot of healing) to realize that I was actually created to be feminine. I was created to be a woman. God designed me. He fashioned me delicately. He protects me passionately. I am not weak because I am feminine. I am strong because I am feminine. I am powerful because I am feminine. I am a force to be reckoned with. When God created Eve, He took a rib out of Adam and fashioned Eve. It's interesting that God chose a rib to create Eve from. A rib's main function is to protect the heart. What this symbolizes to me is Adam's (man's) duty to protect Eve's (woman's) heart. As a woman, I was made to be tender-hearted. While it is my responsibility to guard my heart, Daddy God protects my heart. He is the ultimate protector. And He is the ultimate healer of once unguarded and unprotected hearts. But it's more difficult for Him to protect my heart when I don't allow Him to have it. As I have been walking with the Lord, I have come to learn that I have to make the conscious decision to give Him my heart to protect it. When He holds my heart, I can be vulnerable AND strong. I can be emotional and not be weak. I can be feminine the way He created me to be.

Allowing myself to feel emotions again has been a process. The enemy is good at convincing me I'm being weak and silly when I cry or when I'm hurt. But I try to push that out of my head because being feminine is powerful. I was made in the likeness of God. I am a daughter of the King. I am a co-heir with Christ. I was made to co-reign, equally, alongside men. Kris Vallotton said in one of his sermons that "when we reduce women, we reduce the image of God."

When I reduce myself as a woman, I reduce the image of God.

Woah.