I Am Walking Out My Destiny

It’s been about two weeks since my last blog. I’d like to say I just haven’t had the time to sit down and write, but that’s definitely not the truth. I was on spring break last week. You want to know what I did? Absolutely nothing. I was lazy. I wasn’t just lazy… I was the laziest. And I don’t feel even a little bad about it. Well… I feel a little bad about it, but only because it made me get behind on some schoolwork. Oh well…

So what am I going to write about today? Good question. Before I sat down to write, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to write about. He said, “your destiny”.

Ok. My destiny. But what IS my destiny?? Well that’s a loaded question. My answer is simply, “I do not know”. I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means for me lately. I’m about to finish up my first year of nursing school and this annoying question keeps popping up… “Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life?”

Aaaahhhhh!!! Stupid annoying question, why did you have to pop into my brain like that?! I could have finished nursing school, blissfully unaware of any doubts or hesitations, and I would have been just fine! Grrrr.

But since the question is in my noggin, unable to escape, I suppose it’s time for me to find the answer. Can you really ever answer that question though? I dunno, we’re getting too deep here. I have to start with answering why I chose to go to nursing school to begin with. Well… that would be because I realized having a degree in music wasn’t going to pay the bills and my parents said I’d be a good nurse. Also, I like kids. Most of them. So that’s why I moved to Charleston… to become a nurse. But along the way I met someone pretty cool who kinda changed everything. His name is Jesus. He started speaking to me about what my destiny is really going to look like, and, well, I’m pretty excited.

I have made Isaiah 61:1-3 my “life verse” (for the time being). I keep finding myself coming back to it because something about it speaks to me, aside from the fact that it’s just an amazing piece of scripture. Every time I read it, I get super pumped.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor;

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,

and the day of vengeance of our God;

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

I feel like my destiny is partially wrapped up in these verses. Since I have come to know Jesus there are so many things that have been stirred up inside of me.

This is what the Lord has told me about my destiny and my future:

• I will use my experiences and my testimony coming from a broken home and use it to minister to young girls (and old, who knows) who are experiencing what I went through. 

• I will begin to write songs (and blogs, apparently). 

• I have received prophetic words about my song healing the masses (um… is that cool or what?! YES Jesus, I receive that!)

• I will be sent out to different countries to bind up the broken hearted and to set the captives free!

He’s told me many other things, but those are the things that have stood out and have been repeated so far.

So if your thought process is anything like mine, you’re wondering, “where does nursing school fit in to all of that?” Goodness, you guys have great questions for me.  Well… let me answer that question for you. I honestly have NO clue. Zero clue whatsoever. I’m clueless. 100% clueless. Did you guys get that? I have NO IDEA!!! Do you have any idea how CRAZY that makes me?! I keep thinking that I’m spending all this time and money and effort (and money!!) to get myself through nursing school, and I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’M GOING TO USE IT!! Excuse me while I go hyperventilate from the stress of it all.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Every blog I write, I seem to have to ask myself, “Niki, what’s your point?” I’m long-winded guys, I’m sorry about that. But I guess my point is this: God has me on this path for a reason. I got in to nursing school by the grace of God only. I could have not been accepted and gone an entirely different path. So, why nursing school? I straight up do not know. What I do know is that someday, I’d like to be involved in ministry full-time. Maybe that means being a missionary and using my medical degree there. Maybe that means being a worship leader and never using my medical degree. Maybe it means something entirely different that I can’t even wrap my mind around yet.

But I know that none of that really matters right now. My time will come. As long as I have my eyes set on God, I will be on the right path. As long as my eyes are on God, I am following my destiny every step of the way.

I’m sorry again that this was so long winded. This is where I process my thoughts and organize them into something that makes sense. You all are just kind enough to read them, and maybe they might impact you in some way.

I pray that whoever is reading this is having a wonderful week and that the Lord will begin (and continue) speaking to you about your destiny. He meets you where you’re at, even if you’ve taken some wild rabbit trail. He brings you back to where He wants you, always. Our Father is one amazing Daddy!

Bless you guys. 

Holy Matrimony. That's right... Marriage.

Lately what has been on my heart is the idea of marriage. Yes, you heard me. Marriage. No, not the dresses and suits and flying bouquets and garters of a wedding. I’m talking about the part after “I do”. The part where you’re in the middle of acting out those vows you spoke over your now-spouse. “But Niki,” you say. “You’re not married. What do you know about marriage?”

Valid point. Touche, my friends. 

If I can be totally honest, I don’t know a whole lot about what a healthy marriage looks like. My parents divorced when I was really little. I spent my childhood being shuffled from one house to the other. My mother has been married (and divorced) AT LEAST four times. Sob story, sob story... Does any of this sound familiar?

So what is my point? My point is this: I absolutely REFUSE that for myself.

Maybe you’ve heard this before, but marriage is a metaphor for how passionately and furiously Jesus desires us, his bride. He loves his bride. He cherishes his bride. He honors his bride all of her days. He sweeps her off her feet. He romances his bride. If that is how Jesus desires ME, should I expect anything less in my own marriage?

Ever since I became the “appropriate” age for dating, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and heartache over failed (and often times horrendous) relationships. Looking back, I can’t help but want to slap myself for thinking that any of them was ever a good idea. But the Lord has redeemed that area in my life (thank GOD!). Many of those relationships failed because I thought I could fix that person. They failed because I thought in order for them to love me, I needed to give myself over physically to them. Ultimately, they failed because I sought my identity in being loved and approved of by men. It makes me a little sad as I go back and read all that. But mostly I’m filled with joy because I know now what the truth is.

The truth is, I am loved and approved of by Daddy God. Not because of any other reason except I am His beloved daughter. I am Daddy God’s little girl. I find my identity in Christ. Emphasis, emphasis, emphasis!!!!!

So what does this have to do with marriage? Hang on, I'm getting there. 

These "a-HA!" moments came slowly, and I didn't figure it all out on my own. It has come through living in community and surrounding myself with sturdy, fruitful, God-centered marriages. And of course, it has taken me a lot of time and HEALING. Lots and lots of HEALING (emphasis, emphasis, emphasis!!). I'm talking about heart healing. For me, it's been the kind of healing where I let all my terrible experiences as a child resurface and I tackle them head on. My nasty rejection issues, my awful control issues, and all my other issues are being dealt with now before I subject my future spouse to the consequences and reactions of those issues. I'm dealing with them now before I react out of those gaping wounds in a way that will hurt or dishonor my future husband. And I'm not saying that after I get married there won't be any more issues to work through with my husband. But my goal now is to let my heart become as whole as it can be before I become a truly whole person with someone else. 

I was inspired today through an amazing woman of God, whom I love so dearly. She was telling me that, after almost 20 years of marriage, her and her husband have come up against new issues that they are having to work through together. Sounds weird to be inspired by that, I know. But I was inspired because this beautiful couple has such a solid relationship. They have built their marriage on THE Rock. And though the rain is falling, though the floods are coming, though the winds are blowing and beating on that house, their marriage WILL NOT fall. Their house WILL NOT fall. (Referring to Matthew 7:25). 

I was inspired because THAT'S the kind of marriage I want to have. I want to get 10, 15, 20 years in and know that even though new issues are being brought up, my marriage will not fall because it is God-centered. It will not fall because it was built on the solid Rock. 

So that's it. Those are my thoughts on marriage. To sum it all up: my marriage will be solid because I will be healed up, my future husband will be healed up, and it will be built on the Rock. I declare that in Jesus' name!